clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Problem: Rays Lack Sufficient Facial Hair

It's a widely known fact that Dave Martinez' epic Moses beard has universally made him the best bench coach in all of baseball. Observe:

Martinez_beard_medium

But what if we extrapolate that beardly majesty to a few more players?

Consider David Price with said beard of magnificence:

Price_beard_medium

This is a man capable of dominating hitters, dining ladies, and much more. Such as: Slaying dragons, eating whole trees, and making butter soft with his mind.

Consider James Shields under the influence of The Beard:

Shields_beard_medium

Erm. Either I'm racist towards white people (of which I am one), or James Shields may be pulling double duty as Giants closer Brian Wilson.

What would have if we squared magic? Let's find out. Putting the Magic Beard on the Magic Man himself, Casey Kotchman, we find this:

Kotchman_beard_medium

The beard makes this man look capable of sliding from home plate all the way around the bases and back to home plate. This is the face of a Paul Bunyan imitator, nay, the face of the lumbering lumberjack himself. Want to know what a 450 home-run version of the Magic of Kotch would look like? Your have just just feasted on that version.

Photographs by cstreet.us, thelastminute, turtlemom nancy , fesek, kthypryn, justinwright, sue_elias, pointnshoot, and scrapstothefuture used in background montage under Creative Commons. Thank you.